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Here we go again, NyQuill Dreaming

June 30, 2009

200After almost a month of not getting to sleep until well after the baby, I bought a box of NyQuill softgels. This is a big disappointment for me since I have said I would never do this again, but I HAVE to get to shands tomorrow by 9am, and if I stay up till 5 then ther is no way I will be able to function enough to get me and the baby ready in time. Soooo.. I am back on the NyQuill.

I have always had problems sleeping, and back before I got pregnant I had found a solution, a bad, unhealthy one, but a solution, NyQuill. It was one that did not make my RLS worse, and it worked, the issue comes in the amount I have to take, one box of softgels has 10 ‘doses’ of 2 pills each, but in order to get to sleep I have to take a MINIMUM of 6 pills, for the first three or so nights, then up the dose by 2 pills a night until I finally got up to a whole box just to get sleepy. When that stopped being effective I stopped. I refused to take an ENTIRE box of NyQuill just to sleep, so I dealt with it, didn’t sleep, but I didn’t have a baby then so I could take as long as I needed to sleep and sleep all day.

Now my day starts at the same time regardless of how long it took me to get to sleep, and I have been dealing, but after 2 weeks of trying to get to shands in the mornings when I have access to the car and failing, I have to relent to NyQuill, at least by doing this I can hopefully get to the doctor and get this problem fixed for good.

Especially since I got a letter from the disability lawyers today. They have my case in appeals, waiting on a court case, I only got denied disability the first time because I did not have enough medical paperwork – no insurance. But now in appeals waiting on a court date, I HAVE to get to a doctor before then, and according to them, within 30 days or they are dropping my case. I have been diagnosed with BiPolar and PTSD, and have not been able to work in over 5 years, so I am highly eligible for disability, and the medicaid to get treatment that goes with it. But it is like a vicious cycle, in order to get on disability you have to proove it through a doctor, multiple doctors- BUT you cant work, so getting insurance is impossible, so getting to a doctor is impossible. It sucks.

I fought applying for disability for so long, I didn’t want to do it, but after the last few attempts at jobs and the horrible failures (including the army!) I was convinced that I needed to do SOMETHING. If it were only that I couldn’t work it would be one thing, but it is getting to where I can’t function, the depression and sleep issues are controlling my life and I am so worried about the next 5 years.

Can’t think about that now, I have to stay positive and PRAY that tomorrow goes well and I can get into a doctor soon. This has got to work. I need something to make this all better, and soon.

So Tired

June 29, 2009

Here is is again, Monday. I hate mondays. This is the day Joseph goes back to work every week and I try my darndest to get on a good routine. It is always so hard because I CANT SLEEP! I was up last night until almost 4am. The baby woke up at 8:15am this morning, so I am particularly tired. When I am this tired it is hard to think of what I need to do, let alone work on a schedule. But we have done ok so far. It is now almost 11am and I am about to change the baby again and try to get her down for a nap. While I should clean while she is sleeping, I am planning on taking a nap myself, I feel sick I am so tired. 😦

We plan on going to Shands tomorrow mid morning, to see about getting that medical card I have talked about, for the free medical care. So tonight I HAVE to be able to sleep, I will probably get hubby to pick up some nyQuill or something on his way home.

More in a bit, baby is beckoning! 🙂

The Mommy Confessions – Scheduling Fail

June 26, 2009

mommyconfessionsThe Mommy Confessions if a great meme started by Victoria at Life Starring the Kids and Me, it is a place for mommy’s to share something about the way they think or feel that they might feel badly about- so you can read other mom’s confessions and not feel so bad about yourself, we are not alone!

The biggest problem I have with my daughter is scheduling, that is not her fault, she couldn’t be a better baby, but somehow I really really suck at sticking to a schedule. I am fairly certain that at 10 months old a baby should be taking about 2 naps a day and sleeping at night from about 9pm-7am right? I also know that I have freedom here, I am a stay at home mom that HATES mornings, really really hates them. So me and my daughter sleep in till about 9am, but because of that the rest of the day is a mess! I am lucky to get the basics done daily, let alone extras!

We get up and play for about an hour, me drinking my coffee on the floor with her clapping and playing with me, just like me, she has never liked eating first thing in the morning, so I usually feed her about an hour after she wakes up, about now she starts wanting a nap, but is not tired enough to REALLY take one, so she eats, takes a bottle and has a power nap usually consisting of just long enough for me to pick up the living room… back to play and watching sprout, then at about noon she is tired again and I spend- I kid you not- at LEAST an hour, usually more, trying to get her to sleep. A battle of the wills! She sleeps till about 2 and gets up, plays, fusses, watched TV, and so on.

About 5 she gets tired again, this is where it gets messy, if it takes more than an hour to get her to sleep then she sleeps till 8pm, at least, which I dont want, because then she is up till midnight before even considering sleeping again, and both hubby and I are EXAUSTED, but it always takes hours to get her down for her second nap so we are stuck on this cycle.

I need a coach, a trainer, someone to come to the house and tell me what to do and when. There have been days where we go three-four days in a row with no bath because we have spent every free moment trying to get her to sleep or eat or anything and I am just exhausted. She sleeps from about 12am to 4am gets up for a bottle and back down till about 9am. HELP!!

I have tried putting her down awake and she just screams forever, no chance of that working. It is insane how much I suck at this mommy thing. I can’t seem to get it right, and the house is NEVER clean, and I am NEVER in the ‘mood’ and dinner is never on time and I fear that she is really suffering because of this. We have GOT to figure this out. I think monday morning I am going to switch it up and start a new schedule, get up earlier, go to bed sooner, better naps, letting her try to figure out how to put herself to sleep, etc. Any good resources for training a mommy to do this?

Whats your confession this week?

Finished at other blog

June 25, 2009
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I finished up what was requied of me at the other nameless blog, all the reviews and such that I needed to write. I have not written a ‘goodbye’ post and I don’t know if I will.  My husband wants me to think about it a while before I take that step. But I am pretty convinced, it took so much time and energy to run the blog, and I was not making much money, only like 100 a month.  Not worth the time I spent away from the family and cleaning, you know?  I love blogging, and that is why I am here, I just got so cought up in the stats and reviews and groups, etc. I just want to blog, not worry about stats, not worry about money, not worry about being in the right group.   Those of you who know me from forums know a lot of this info already, but it feels nice to be able to just pick up and blog when I want without thinking of what mom, the advertisers, sponsors, etc will think or do.

I am not sure what I am gonna do with the old blog, maybe sell it, it is 4 years old with a page rank of 2 right now, it might go for something. Who knows. I will sit on it for a bit and think on that one.

Wordless Wednesday: See the roses through the weeds

June 24, 2009

rosesThis was in my yard this morning, surrounded by weeds and tall grass that needed to be cut 2 weeks ago….

No Shands Yet

June 24, 2009
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Well, the last few days were rough, I planned on going to the shands place to apply for the free medical card on Tuesday but monday night the baby was sick, so we got NO sleep, so when the time came to take hubby to work I just couldn’t do it. Then this morning the alarm did not go off so hubby had to rush and we coulnd’t go. Hopefully tommorow. Good news though, I found out the income requirements, they are 200% over federal poverty level, so about 36690, and from my figures we are at about 28900 GROSS, only about 25400 NET. So we should qualify. I plan on going up friday after our appointment. Crossing my fingers!!

Mystery Diagnosis.. does anyone really know?

June 22, 2009

2004_1_20_distant_diagnosisBi-Polar disorder, borderline personality, post traumatic stress disorder, manic depressive, chronic depression, postpartum depression, schizophrenic, just plain crazy. You name it and at some point a doctor has said that’s what I have.  I can’t blame the doctors though, they went off what I told them. And depending on my mood I had a habit of telling them all sorts of crazy things!  But of a few things I am certain… (wow, that sounded a bit like Twilight…) I am NOT schizophrenic, and I am pretty sure I am not bi-polar.  Borderline fits some, but not completely.  I just might be plain crazy, but really, all I really really know is that something is wrong.

In the last few years most of my family has been diagnosed with a thyroid disorder called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and most of them, now on the right medication are doing great.  The big deal with this disease is how for YEARS my mom had similar problems with fatiuge, pain, depression, etc. ALL explained by this disorder.   A normal thyroid test does not show this disorder, you need a special thyroid antibiody test.

Hashimoto’s thyroiditis is often misdiagnosed as depression, cyclothymia, PMS, and, less frequently as bipolar disorder or as anxiety disorder. Testing for TSH and anti-thyroid antibodies can resolve any diagnostic difficulty.

Seems like a simple resolution right? Get the test… Yeah, that’s what I thought! I finally saved up enough extra money to go to a doctor with no insurance, the cheapest in town was only 80 a visit.  I went, he was a complete quack. He asked me to pray and put me on prozac.  I talked to him about the Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and he had never heard of it so wouldn’t order a special test that he wouldn’t know what to do with.  So he informed me he would order a regular thyroid panel and if there was ANYTHING wrong it would for sure show up on there.   At this point I was not 100% convinced he was a quack so I took his word and went and got the test he ordred, there went $120 on a useless test, and another $30 on a useless drug. Prozac didn’t do anything.  Same with ALL other drugs I have tried.

So now I am back at square one, looking for an affordable doctor and saving money, which is sooo hard with my husband hours being cut back.  But I am heading to shands on tuesday morning to apply for the patient financial assistance program, and if I qualify it will help me get to a doctor.  I am sooo hopefull that they will help, I don’t know what I will do if they say no.  I am so tired of dealing with this constant pain and being tired.

Best case scenario would be that I get this shands card and get a doctor that has heard of this disorder and tests me… the test comes back positive and I start thyroid medication.  Crazy huh? I am begging for a thyroid condition. But really, if it is this than the right medication will fix most everything.  If not, then it really is some sort of mental problem, I can deal with that but please let’s figure out what it is and fix it, I don’t care if I need meds, doctors, blood tests, etc. I just want to feel good.

My plan for tomorrow when I get some time is to sit down and start listing my symptoms so when I do see a doctor I can give him the list and hopefully he will look at it and have a epiphany, and say, OMG, you have xxxxx, something, anything treatable!

At this point I feel hopefull, shands will approve me, I will get a doctor, and I will finally be on my way to feeling better. That’s all I can let myself think right now, otherwise I will crash.