Here we go again, NyQuill Dreaming

After almost a month of not getting to sleep until well after the baby, I bought a box of NyQuill softgels. This is a big disappointment for me since I have said I would never do this again, but I HAVE to get to shands tomorrow by 9am, and if I stay up till 5 then ther is no way I will be able to function enough to get me and the baby ready in time. Soooo.. I am back on the NyQuill.

I have always had problems sleeping, and back before I got pregnant I had found a solution, a bad, unhealthy one, but a solution, NyQuill. It was one that did not make my RLS worse, and it worked, the issue comes in the amount I have to take, one box of softgels has 10 ‘doses’ of 2 pills each, but in order to get to sleep I have to take a MINIMUM of 6 pills, for the first three or so nights, then up the dose by 2 pills a night until I finally got up to a whole box just to get sleepy. When that stopped being effective I stopped. I refused to take an ENTIRE box of NyQuill just to sleep, so I dealt with it, didn’t sleep, but I didn’t have a baby then so I could take as long as I needed to sleep and sleep all day.

Now my day starts at the same time regardless of how long it took me to get to sleep, and I have been dealing, but after 2 weeks of trying to get to shands in the mornings when I have access to the car and failing, I have to relent to NyQuill, at least by doing this I can hopefully get to the doctor and get this problem fixed for good.

Especially since I got a letter from the disability lawyers today. They have my case in appeals, waiting on a court case, I only got denied disability the first time because I did not have enough medical paperwork – no insurance. But now in appeals waiting on a court date, I HAVE to get to a doctor before then, and according to them, within 30 days or they are dropping my case. I have been diagnosed with BiPolar and PTSD, and have not been able to work in over 5 years, so I am highly eligible for disability, and the medicaid to get treatment that goes with it. But it is like a vicious cycle, in order to get on disability you have to proove it through a doctor, multiple doctors- BUT you cant work, so getting insurance is impossible, so getting to a doctor is impossible. It sucks.

I fought applying for disability for so long, I didn’t want to do it, but after the last few attempts at jobs and the horrible failures (including the army!) I was convinced that I needed to do SOMETHING. If it were only that I couldn’t work it would be one thing, but it is getting to where I can’t function, the depression and sleep issues are controlling my life and I am so worried about the next 5 years.

Can’t think about that now, I have to stay positive and PRAY that tomorrow goes well and I can get into a doctor soon. This has got to work. I need something to make this all better, and soon.

So Tired

Here is is again, Monday. I hate mondays. This is the day Joseph goes back to work every week and I try my darndest to get on a good routine. It is always so hard because I CANT SLEEP! I was up last night until almost 4am. The baby woke up at 8:15am this morning, so I am particularly tired. When I am this tired it is hard to think of what I need to do, let alone work on a schedule. But we have done ok so far. It is now almost 11am and I am about to change the baby again and try to get her down for a nap. While I should clean while she is sleeping, I am planning on taking a nap myself, I feel sick I am so tired.

We plan on going to Shands tomorrow mid morning, to see about getting that medical card I have talked about, for the free medical care. So tonight I HAVE to be able to sleep, I will probably get hubby to pick up some nyQuill or something on his way home.

More in a bit, baby is beckoning!

The Mommy Confessions – Scheduling Fail

The Mommy Confessions if a great meme started by Victoria at Life Starring the Kids and Me, it is a place for mommy’s to share something about the way they think or feel that they might feel badly about- so you can read other mom’s confessions and not feel so bad about yourself, we are not alone!

The biggest problem I have with my daughter is scheduling, that is not her fault, she couldn’t be a better baby, but somehow I really really suck at sticking to a schedule. I am fairly certain that at 10 months old a baby should be taking about 2 naps a day and sleeping at night from about 9pm-7am right? I also know that I have freedom here, I am a stay at home mom that HATES mornings, really really hates them. So me and my daughter sleep in till about 9am, but because of that the rest of the day is a mess! I am lucky to get the basics done daily, let alone extras!

We get up and play for about an hour, me drinking my coffee on the floor with her clapping and playing with me, just like me, she has never liked eating first thing in the morning, so I usually feed her about an hour after she wakes up, about now she starts wanting a nap, but is not tired enough to REALLY take one, so she eats, takes a bottle and has a power nap usually consisting of just long enough for me to pick up the living room… back to play and watching sprout, then at about noon she is tired again and I spend- I kid you not- at LEAST an hour, usually more, trying to get her to sleep. A battle of the wills! She sleeps till about 2 and gets up, plays, fusses, watched TV, and so on.

About 5 she gets tired again, this is where it gets messy, if it takes more than an hour to get her to sleep then she sleeps till 8pm, at least, which I dont want, because then she is up till midnight before even considering sleeping again, and both hubby and I are EXAUSTED, but it always takes hours to get her down for her second nap so we are stuck on this cycle.

I need a coach, a trainer, someone to come to the house and tell me what to do and when. There have been days where we go three-four days in a row with no bath because we have spent every free moment trying to get her to sleep or eat or anything and I am just exhausted. She sleeps from about 12am to 4am gets up for a bottle and back down till about 9am. HELP!!

I have tried putting her down awake and she just screams forever, no chance of that working. It is insane how much I suck at this mommy thing. I can’t seem to get it right, and the house is NEVER clean, and I am NEVER in the ‘mood’ and dinner is never on time and I fear that she is really suffering because of this. We have GOT to figure this out. I think monday morning I am going to switch it up and start a new schedule, get up earlier, go to bed sooner, better naps, letting her try to figure out how to put herself to sleep, etc. Any good resources for training a mommy to do this?

Whats your confession this week?

Finished at other blog

I finished up what was requied of me at the other nameless blog, all the reviews and such that I needed to write. I have not written a ‘goodbye’ post and I don’t know if I will.  My husband wants me to think about it a while before I take that step. But I am pretty convinced, it took so much time and energy to run the blog, and I was not making much money, only like 100 a month.  Not worth the time I spent away from the family and cleaning, you know?  I love blogging, and that is why I am here, I just got so cought up in the stats and reviews and groups, etc. I just want to blog, not worry about stats, not worry about money, not worry about being in the right group.   Those of you who know me from forums know a lot of this info already, but it feels nice to be able to just pick up and blog when I want without thinking of what mom, the advertisers, sponsors, etc will think or do.

I am not sure what I am gonna do with the old blog, maybe sell it, it is 4 years old with a page rank of 2 right now, it might go for something. Who knows. I will sit on it for a bit and think on that one.

Wordless Wednesday: See the roses through the weeds

This was in my yard this morning, surrounded by weeds and tall grass that needed to be cut 2 weeks ago….

No Shands Yet

Well, the last few days were rough, I planned on going to the shands place to apply for the free medical card on Tuesday but monday night the baby was sick, so we got NO sleep, so when the time came to take hubby to work I just couldn’t do it. Then this morning the alarm did not go off so hubby had to rush and we coulnd’t go. Hopefully tommorow. Good news though, I found out the income requirements, they are 200% over federal poverty level, so about 36690, and from my figures we are at about 28900 GROSS, only about 25400 NET. So we should qualify. I plan on going up friday after our appointment. Crossing my fingers!!

Mystery Diagnosis.. does anyone really know?

Bi-Polar disorder, borderline personality, post traumatic stress disorder, manic depressive, chronic depression, postpartum depression, schizophrenic, just plain crazy. You name it and at some point a doctor has said that’s what I have.  I can’t blame the doctors though, they went off what I told them. And depending on my mood I had a habit of telling them all sorts of crazy things!  But of a few things I am certain… (wow, that sounded a bit like Twilight…) I am NOT schizophrenic, and I am pretty sure I am not bi-polar.  Borderline fits some, but not completely.  I just might be plain crazy, but really, all I really really know is that something is wrong.

In the last few years most of my family has been diagnosed with a thyroid disorder called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and most of them, now on the right medication are doing great.  The big deal with this disease is how for YEARS my mom had similar problems with fatiuge, pain, depression, etc. ALL explained by this disorder.   A normal thyroid test does not show this disorder, you need a special thyroid antibiody test.

Hashimoto’s thyroiditis is often misdiagnosed as depression, cyclothymia, PMS, and, less frequently as bipolar disorder or as anxiety disorder. Testing for TSH and anti-thyroid antibodies can resolve any diagnostic difficulty.

Seems like a simple resolution right? Get the test… Yeah, that’s what I thought! I finally saved up enough extra money to go to a doctor with no insurance, the cheapest in town was only 80 a visit.  I went, he was a complete quack. He asked me to pray and put me on prozac.  I talked to him about the Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and he had never heard of it so wouldn’t order a special test that he wouldn’t know what to do with.  So he informed me he would order a regular thyroid panel and if there was ANYTHING wrong it would for sure show up on there.   At this point I was not 100% convinced he was a quack so I took his word and went and got the test he ordred, there went $120 on a useless test, and another $30 on a useless drug. Prozac didn’t do anything.  Same with ALL other drugs I have tried.

So now I am back at square one, looking for an affordable doctor and saving money, which is sooo hard with my husband hours being cut back.  But I am heading to shands on tuesday morning to apply for the patient financial assistance program, and if I qualify it will help me get to a doctor.  I am sooo hopefull that they will help, I don’t know what I will do if they say no.  I am so tired of dealing with this constant pain and being tired.

Best case scenario would be that I get this shands card and get a doctor that has heard of this disorder and tests me… the test comes back positive and I start thyroid medication.  Crazy huh? I am begging for a thyroid condition. But really, if it is this than the right medication will fix most everything.  If not, then it really is some sort of mental problem, I can deal with that but please let’s figure out what it is and fix it, I don’t care if I need meds, doctors, blood tests, etc. I just want to feel good.

My plan for tomorrow when I get some time is to sit down and start listing my symptoms so when I do see a doctor I can give him the list and hopefully he will look at it and have a epiphany, and say, OMG, you have xxxxx, something, anything treatable!

At this point I feel hopefull, shands will approve me, I will get a doctor, and I will finally be on my way to feeling better. That’s all I can let myself think right now, otherwise I will crash.

If You’re going through hell

I know it may seem right now that I am having a pitty party, while that is a little true, I like to believe that this is my therapy. I started blogging as a release years ago, then that blog got bigger and bigger and my family read it and friends read it, and I started to have to censor what I wrote. I couldn’t talk about a argument I had with my husband because my mom would read it and think she was right, after all, if he is so perfect why would we ever fight? So I lost the release I got. So here we are, after a few very bad months I have a new blog, and I can say what I want, how I want to say it.

Right now I want to share a song that inspires me soo much, it is amazing and so true. Below the lyrics and video is the story of how it cam about, it is quite funny now, not then, but it is now.

Well you know those times when you feel like
There’s a sign there on your back
That says I don’t mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can’t get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don’t know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That’s when you learn the truth

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I’ve been deep down in that darkness
I’ve been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin’ fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I’d fall right into the trap
That they were layin’

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long
You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’
Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there
When you’re goin’ through hell keep on movin’
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

Are you ready for this? I had returned from the army with a medial discharge, and gotten with my husband (then boyfriend) ((read the about page for why I got a army discharge)) anyway, he had just gotten laid off from his job and we had to move quickly from where we were, we literally had about $300 dollars and less than 12 hours to find a place. We ended up finding a motel, one of those really cheap extended stay ones, NOT one of the nice extended stay ‘brand name’ hotels, I am talking about right in the middle of cracktown cheap. (see picture from google maps below)

 

But it was going to have to do, we just needed a roof and a bathroom. We had one room with a tiny bathroom, no kitchen, just a tiny fridge and a old microwave in the one room. We did dishes in the bathroom, I kept it clean, we did ok. It was scary at times, we did not socialize at all, kept to ourselves and found a job, as a matter of fact thats when he got his current job. We stayed there for about 4-5 months, we could have (and wanted to) leave much sooner, but were being responsible and saving money so that when we did move we could get a nice place. Never bothered the owner, never paid late, were clean, no drugs, loud music, etc.

Then we finally got the money up to move and we let the landlord know we would be leaving friday evening after work, when that weeks rent was due, afterall, it was a motel, not an apartment, one weeks notice should be fine.. right? NO… the owner acted like it was ok, but as we soon found out, it was not. Thursday night we spent the night packing, loaded the car with everything we could fit, thankfully that included most things of value, like my computer and our television, etc. Friday morning I took Joseph to work and headed to the new place to unload and left to return to the motel by about 9am, this is where shit hits the fan! I pull up and our door is open… wha???? I jump out and run in, the room was empty and clean…. OMG, all our things are GONE!

I freak out, there are clothes, food, dishes, pictures, etc, everything that wouldn’t fit in the car was there. It was all packed and by the door, I had even left a nice note just in case someone stopped by to clean the room, saying I took the first load and would be back by noon to get the rest and clean the room! I go to the owner in tears and he has turned to mr. jeckyll, YELLED at me swearing we said we would be gone by last night and that he did not have time for crappy people to get the stuff… I as him where everything went, nicely and crying, I was NOT a crappy person, we stayed there to save money, we didn’t do drugs or talk to all the druggy tenants there. He points to the dumpster outside, there I find everything, he let the local crack heads clean our room out and anything they didn’t want was thrown in there, all boxes DUMPED, things missing, they destroyed everything. I call my husband crying and he heads over.

We salvage what we can and leave, he was so upset but just wanted to get out of there before he ended up in jail for hitting this guy, thinking back we should have called the cops, that was not legal in any sense. We were PAID until saturday morning. Anyway, he is driving his bosses truck in front of me while we head to the new place, I am in tears. Literally wanting to die, I felt so hopeless, pictures had soda poured on them, it was so bad. AS I pull out of the driveway this song comes on, like it was talking to me and only me. I pulled over and cried my eyes out. Then I moved on, it really inspired me to get over it and appreciate that we were out of there and moving into a nice 2 bedroom home. Regardless of how we got there.

We were married about 7 months later, and have moved only once since then, and when we moved we doubled our space again, still two bedrooms but so much bigger. Moving upwards and onwards.

Friends, or lack of them….

So I suppose I am a loner, I have lived in this town for a few years now and never really met many people.  Being that I workworked from home I don’t really get out. Plus the depression and lack of sleep makes it hard to get out when I do have a chance.  I did meet one girl, years ago, who was great, we were like glue for a long time. Then she got with a new guy that was kinda a loser and made it difficult to get out alone… then we got pregnant shortly after she looses her baby to an ectopic pregnancy.  In the last year we have drifted apart, not calling very much, etc.  She was never a ‘great’ friend, there was always drama, always issues, and never really cared what as going on in MY life, you know? Well some things happened last month that I will elaborate on in another post that took us even further away from each other. So now we DON’T talk at all. Whatever. It sucks but what can I do? She has new work friends and does not need me anymore.  Moving on.

Then there was another friend I just got to know, her bf worked for my husband, they had some issues and she calls me for help, we had only talked a few times before but I helped them anyway, loaning them money,  listening to her etc. Things were going ok. Then she lied to me about something. At this point she had no idea I knew she lied, so she calls me that evening to ask for more money, i let her know that we really don’t have any left to give, we couldn’t afford the first 200 dollars.  Then I mention, nicely that I know about the lie, and ask her why she lied, let her know that she does not need to do that, I would help them any way I could.  Well, since then the drug test came back, he is fired and they have not called since. Great friends huh? Whatever, moving on, not the type of people I want to be with anyway.

And that is it for friends, luckily we just ran into someone from hubby’s childhood that is now engaged and 8 months pregnant (well his fiancee is anyway!) and we have hung out with them twice now, hopefully that will blossom into a great relationship, it will be nice to have another mommy to talk to!

Where to begin….. lets start with today

The best thing to do is start from today and work backwards little by little as we go I guess. Mainly because if I start from the beginning I wouldn’t know where to begin!

I couldn’t get to sleep last night, even though the baby slept most the night, I didn’t. So when she woke up at 7:30am I was especially tired.  After a few hours I started researching medical options…  again…  I have no insurance and no extra money to see a doctor, and I NEED one, for so many reasons.   One being sleep, others being depression, possible thyroid issues, back pain, migraines, etc. etc.  With any luck I will get a thyroid problem diagnosed and that will resolve everything else.   Anyway, after a few more calls I get a referral to a place I had not heard of before, Shands Financial Services.  Sounds great, if you meet the income guidelines you get a shands card and can go see a doctor.

So, I pack up the baby and we head out.  Start with going the wrong way, turn around after realizing I was heading to the wrong hospital, notice I need gas. Crap, hubby has the debit card, detour to his work, get the card, listen to him complain about work, I don’t blame him, his coworkers are losers, he has everyones workload on him this week as the boss is out. Anyway, leave, go to Shands.  Find a parking space wayyyy in the rear of the lot. I forgot the stroller at home… it is hot today. Crap… get the baby, walk to the front admissions. I am completely out of breath and sweating, and she is like a oven and wiggling. a 24 pound heater that moves… PLUS by binder of personal information.. what do they say when I tell them who I need? It is across the street.  Shit…

So we walk over, up a hill, about to DIE of heat, I have no summer clothes so I am in a long sleeve lime green shirt.. not fun. Get up the hill and get to the door…. CLOSED EARLY… will return on Tuesday. A nice guy outside advises me that I should show up 30 minutes before they open on Tuesday if I want to talk to anyone, they closed the door early because they were full of people already to see before they closed. Yayy.  Lug her back to the car and go.  Fail.

Hubby needs lunch, I need a duplicate licence, mine is lost, so since we had time before her doctor appointment I decide to go ahead and get that done, just in case that is the ONE thing that keeps them from helping me on Tuesday.  Grab lunch, eat with hubby, it was crap, i bought from the church fish fry to help out the homeless, good deed done,  13 dollars not totally wasted I suppose.  Load her back up and go get my DL, that went better than I expected, cost me 20 instead of 10 because it was time to renew anyway. OK, that’s done. Get baby in the car again, by now it is about 1pm and she has yet to have a nap, she goes right to sleep. Her appt is not until 3pm so we drive around and let her sleep, a huge waste og gas but going home and back would just use the same gas and I would have to wake her up in between, by the time i got home and unloaded it would be time to leave again.

Get to her appointment, that went well, great growth, 97% or better on everything, BIG baby, two shots she handled well, and a great doctor, by the time we get done though it is almost 5, so I head to hubby’s work to get him, we will leave the truck since it needs to be in ‘running’ condition by the time we try to trade it in for the Cash for Clunkers thing when it is in effect in August, while I don’t 100% agree with the bill, we are semi-republican, we have got to get a new car as the truck is about dead, LOL, it will not go in reverse among other things, so if they are gonna spend a bunch of money we might as well get in on it, we need help.

By now I am tired, stressed and my weakness kicks in, we go out to eat, spend 36 dollars on a great meal and head home.   The baby has only slept a total of an hour and a half, in the car seat, mommy fail…. so I expect her to go right to bed. Nope, I JUST got her to sleep, it is now almost 1am.  Poor thing, but she was not fussy, just not wanting to sleep ether.  I am thankful for that.

Oh, I almost forgot, about an hour ago my poor hubby was playing on the xbox letting me take a hot bath while he sat with the baby and what happens? It red-rings..call tech support, need to send it in, wil be gone for 3+ weeks….. really? Seriously, come on, what did we DO to get this crap on top of crap on top of crap? Once I let you know of the last two months or so of issues you will see what I mean, it is ridiculous.

This is a VERY long first post, sorry about that, I don’t talk to anyone but baby and my husband anymore so I am a bit chatty.  I have not found a ‘home’ online yet, I need to get back in the swing of things and start seeing what forums are out there now, it has been a while! If you have read this far feel free to comment, feel free to vent here too, I would love to know I am not alone in this.  More tomorrow, including some background